October Is Domestic Abuse Awareness Month-centered

Tell Somebody: Break The Silence of Abuse

By Rosaland Tyler
Associate Editor
New Journal and Guide

     On Oct. 1, a candlelight vigil was held at Norfolk’s Town Point Park to usher in Domestic Violence Awareness Month.
Statistics show that one in three women are abused by their husband or significant other. Eighty five percent of all abuse victims are women.
     Records show that both men and women bully. Usually, women are the primary targets, according to a 2003 report on abusive behavior. Male bullies choose female targets 71 percent of the time—male targets 29 percent. Meanwhile, female bullies choose female targets 87 percent of the time; male targets 13 percent.
      Advocates against domestic violence have planned several events throughout the month to highlight the problem in the Hampton Roads area.
      At Virginia Wesleyan College, Oct. 15 through 19, the YWCA of South Hampton Roads will sponsor two displays: The Clothesline Project” and “Inside Out: Healing Faces,” where victims use artwork to tell stories about those who beat them down.
But everyone is a victim in bullying situations.
Men who (obsessively) monopolize, interrupt, and compete for attention in conversations—a personality trait known as social dominance—die earlier than men who have a more relaxed approach to communicating, according to Michael Bayak, a researcher at Duke University Medical Center.
Insecurity drives the desire to dominate, Bayak said. Social dominance is not the same thing as being excessively outgoing or achievement-oriented.
      Socially dominant people tend to be attention-seekers who are trying to get ahead at the expense of others and are struggling to prove their self worth, Bayak explained.
Men who were identified as socially dominant were 60 percent more likely than the other subjects to contract long term health risks and die earlier, according to the recent study published in the Journal of the American Psychosomatic Society.
      Meanwhile, men who spoke calmly and quietly had lower than normal rates of heart disease and early death compared to all other personality subgroups in the study.
“We don’t know why this effect exists, but we theorize that socially dominant men are more chronically aroused and stressed; so they release more of the damaging stress hormones,” Bayak said.
      Genes could also cause the problem, as could habitual hostility, or Type A personality traits, which have long been linked to early death.

        
      “In men, dominance appears to involve getting ahead of other people strictly for the sake of getting ahead. That seems to be a key aspect of its danger,” Bayak explained.
In any event, life-sized cutouts of female abuse victims, along with their personal stories will be displayed at 24th Street Park in Virginia Beach, Oct. 28.
      Since domestic abuse occurs in cycles, like the season for tornadoes or hurricanes, notice warning signs, experts say. Pay attention to abrupt behavioral changes. Whether the abuser uses fear, criticism, or manipulation—the point is to control, to create a sense of dependency, confusion and fear, according to local experts such as Sandra Becker, executive director of the HER Shelter.
“In 14 years of working here, I’ve never seen as many incidences of domestic violence as in the past six months,” Becker said in a recent local media report.  

       Consider how the cycle of abuse swept through the life of Sara (not her real name). First, her husband stopped working. Then he started coming home late or wouldn’t come home. He picked fights with others, including Sara, demeaning her.
      A second honeymoon, and even a marriage-vow renewal ceremony did not stop the cycle of abuse (which included her husband’s knife fight with another man). So Sara eventually turned to public agencies.
Ten years later, Sara attends counseling sessions at the church that helped her get her life on track. She works at a local shelter as an abuse counselor and supports herself with minimum assistance from public aid.
     “I really don’t trust people anymore,” Sara said. “I don’t have many friends because I am very careful who I let into my circle.” After her divorce two serious relationships were disappointing.
     “I am afraid to date,” she said. “I choose not to be in relationships that will cause me to lose my self-esteem.”
       Clearly there are no winners in domestic violence, if socially dominant men are headed for an early grave, and their victims, who are often women (like Sara), end up suspicious and isolated.
      Chalk it all up to bullying behavior, whether it is domestic violence or any kind of harassment, which experts say reminds the victim of school-age incidents of humiliation, intimidation, helplessness and rage. Heniz Leymann, a German psychiatrist, called such bullying behavior “psychological terrorization.”
But records show that men and women bully. Usually, women are the primary targets, according to a 2003 report on abusive behavior. Male bullies choose female targets 71 percent of the time—male targets 29 percent. Meanwhile, female bullies choose female targets 87 percent of the time; male targets 13 percent.
      To bully-proof your life at home or in the office, break the silence. Tell your story. Take proactive steps to stop the cycle of abuse, or any type of bullying. Learn more by visiting popular websites such as bullybusters.org.
For more information about spousal abuse, please phone the Virginia Family Violence and Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-838-8238; or the YWCA helpline at 625-5570.